So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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