I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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