Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
