Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
