Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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