U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
