Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Just high enough for therapy.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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