I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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