You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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