I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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