On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I just pynch a tree in the face
are you so shy because you have an std?
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Dignity is for republicans.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
