My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
