you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize