Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
