I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
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