he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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