I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
