In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize