I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
