i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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