there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
