I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
