Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
