The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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