Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Randomize
