i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
