i just sent this text using only my big toe
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
