Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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