Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
