my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
