Don't make out with my wife yet
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
