Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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