Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Randomize
