im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
