how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
