If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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