i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize