look no pants
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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