I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
i believe in u and ur pee
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
