I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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