Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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