we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
