I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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