Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Who died my cat blue again?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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