Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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