take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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