I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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