hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
