i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
