Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
