You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
