I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
