I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
