How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
