He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
